It’s true. No matter how awful I feel I show up. I get up and spend time with my children. I get dressed every day trying to look as nice as I can. Even today when the chemo cycle has started to kick in and I’m so tired I just want to go back to bed I don’t. So I put on a dress, did my fading and falling out eyebrows, put on some lip colour and sat down here to write. These are the things I do to keep things as normal as possible. I could say I do them to not let cancer win but I don’t really think of it like that. I do them to remain as ME as possible. I’m still the same person I was before cancer even if it has taken away so many parts of me - both physically and emotionally.
Some days, like today, it is harder than others. I think the chemo has kicked in (I’m on a two weeks on, two weeks off cycle and I started this cycle on Tuesday). I’m so tired right now and my left eye is swollen for some weird reason and my eyes feel like they aren’t working right. But you know what? I still got up this morning to spend time with my girls. I will still make lunch. And probably dinner too. But I don’t think people really understand how hard it is to push through the pain some days. Right now I have four compression fractures along my spine. This causes pain in both my spine and wraps around my sides causing pain in my sternun/front rib cage. So while lying down relieves the pain some what getting up is a problem because my body has to readjust.
This week I was interviewed on a Podcast called Sorry I’m Sad which talks about living with grief and finding hope and it was so nice to have someone to talk to about all that is going on. About living through a pandemic as a sick person and what it has done to me emotionally. The episode should be out next week and I will let you know when it comes out if you are interested. Warning though: I cry a lot. I tried not to but some topics in my life I just can’t help but cry trough when I talk about them. But I’m open and honest and quite raw these days with my emotions being right on the surface after a year of pushing them down and being so isolated. In fact my isolation started the summer before Covid hit when I couldn’t drive or go anywhere much because of my deteriorating hip. I’m so ready to be out there doing things and renewing friendships and not just lying on my bed.
As for reading it isn’t going that well. Years ago I set myself a challenge (I do this a lot, right now I also have a cooking challenge for myself), anyway, I set a challenge to read through Simone de Beauvoir’s memoirs and when I got to a part where she has published a book I stop reading and read the book she wrote. I only got through two and a half biographies and two novels before something happened and I quit (I’m not 100% sure what happened but I suspect that I got pregnant with Miss M and was too tired in that first semester to read heavy French biographies). But now I am reading them again. I finished her first; Memoirs of a Duitiful Daughter and am now slowly working through Prime of Life. My copies are well annotated by me and falling apart and yet I enjoy the challenge of exploring her life. I remember when I last read them my favourite parts where when she would just leave and go on a walking holiday by herself and I’ve always envied that. I haven’t written a “bucket list” or a “life list” or what ever you want to call them but if I did I would wish for one more chance to travel and go somewhere with my Mum and my sister. (Also wishing for a solo trip to Vancouver to visit one of my best friends and have a break from being a mom for a couple days.) I so enjoyed our solo trips together but I think the three of us need a chance to be together one last time.
Anyway, I got off topic. I’m reading de Beauvoir and have a bookshelf of books beside my bed that I told myself I would work through this year but the pain is a terrible distraction and my reading is slow.
So this is me today, right now:
Showing up and wearing a pretty dress by Pyne and Smith (I wear these dresses all the time) even though my body wants to go to bed. I have crazy hair and a swollen eye. I could go and lay down right now but I think I will make cookie bars instead so we have some sort of dessert today.
Dear Melanie
I have just listened to your interview on ‘I’m Sorry I’m Sad’ and although I intended to sit in the garden and listen, I found myself standing and rooted to the spot in my kitchen for the entirety. You are wonderful and my admiration for you knows no bounds. No wonder your girls are so amazing. Sending love from London. Xx❤️
I can't love this enough. I often think about our 14 year old selves proclaiming we were NEVER going to have kids and how after you had Miss M I couldn't imagine you doing anything else but have ALL the babies... You show up for them in a way that is just so amazing. This has been the loneliest time ever for most but truly for you (even being the perpetual introvert) I know its been so tough. I can't wait to see you. xoxo