Is it Scanxiety or is it just another normal day?
Plus an experiment: how much can one get done when they take a social media break? Let's find out.
I started writing this post on the Monday of last week but then I started feeling ill (well, I was already feeling ill) and the week just got away from me. That Sunday (the 7th of February) I missed my first cancer appointment ever. It seemed a weird thing to do but I was way too sick to make it to the hospital at 8:30 in the morning. Last week was scan week and I used to say that I don’t have scanxiety because there is really nothing I can do about scans but then on Tuesday as I approached the machine for my bone scan and was telling the nurses that a previous machine tried to crush my face I realized why I hardly slept the night before and that I do, indeed, have scanxiety when it comes to bone scans. I usually cry at some point as I try to calm myself down but that almost getting crushed by a machine was rather terrifying (for some reason the sensor doesn’t always recoginize my nose) and it is hard to stay calm when the machine is so close to my face.
The CT machine is fine (except for the burning will-I-or-won’t-I wet-my-pants contrast that they pump through you) and I used to tell myself that while the ultrasound is uncomfortable because it is internal I can joke that at least someone is interested in getting all up in my girly business. But the truth is that I usually cry my way through the ultrasound as well and last week’s scan was extra long and extra uncomfortable with an extra dose of invasiveness. But I find the hardest part is coming home and pretending everything is okay because I have a family to deal with and kids I don’t want to freak out.
The truth is that I am in such a state of anxiety most days my stomach is always in knots and it seems like normalacy to me unless I stop to think that maybe I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I think Covid is making most of us feel that way but Covid and cancer have added a whole dimension to my life that I never expected.
Anyway, that was last week and this week has been much better. My current cycle seems to be two crappy weeks on chemo, one rather crap week pushing the chemo out of my body, and then one good week where I can enjoy food again. This past weekend the girls and I spent a lot of time watching The Pirates of the Caribbean movies (1-3) because Miss F likes a good fight scene so I aquired them for her. The extreme cold temperatures made it a good weekend to stay inside and I just wanted to knit anyway. Plus the girls always appreciate it I sit and watch movies with them. I am currently speeding my way through a sweater for Miss O.
But the best part of last weekend was that I decided we were going to celebrate Lunar New Year so some of the girls and I made the trek out to T&T Supermarket (which is a large Asian supermarket across Canada) and bought a ton of food. I didn’t end up taking any photos of the feast because we were too busy enjoying it but I did manage to snag a pic of the Mochi we tried for the first time and the chocolate covered fortune cookie. I also gave the girls a small monetary bonus in a traditional red envelope to start off this new year with good fortune. We aren’t Asian at all but this seemed more like a real holiday to me that was worth celebrating than Valentine’s Day which doesn’t really get celebrated in our house. Usually I will do something small for the girls but since both holidays fell on the same weekend I figured all our treats could revolve around Lunar New Year’s and it was fun trying foods we hadn’t tried before.
So not only am I not Asian and felt compeled to celebrate Lunar New Year, I’m also not Christian and yet we had pancakes on Tuesday for Shrove Tuesday and I am giving up something for Lent this year. I’m giving up Social Media.
In Lent, many Christians commit to fasting, as well as giving up certain luxuries in order to replicate the account of the sacrifice of Jesus Christ's journey into the desert for 40 days; this is known as one's Lenten sacrifice.
From Wikipedia
Is it a sacrifice to give up social media? Ha! No, not at all. Although I guess we could consider it a luxury. Mostly it is a time sink that I feel I’ve spent too much time on lately watching other people live their lives instead of living mine. It’s been three days and I am already starting to feel better - and get WAY more done in a day than I usually get done. But the one thing I do like about social media are the connections I have made. Even before the pandemic hit I was really isolated due to being house bound (and often bed bound). Now I am feeling a lot better but I still can’t go many places or see anyone. When the girls leave for school in the morning I can honestly go the whole day without opening my mouth unless I am talking to myself (which I seem to be doing a lot lately.) Thankfully two of them still come home for lunch so I do have that connection. So that part of social media I will miss but really I have been feeling like even those connections are fleeting and everyone is so stressed with this pandemic that I’m not really connecting to anyone any way. It’s a tough time for all of us.
However I have a long list of things I want to get done while on this 40 day social media fast. Here is a list:
Knit more. I’m working on one sweater and a secret present but I have a list of sweaters for my family I want to make this year. It’s new sweater year for everyone (including me I hope!) Alternate goal: use up as much of the yarn I already own.
Start sewing. I have purchased and printed some patterns lately and my goal is to learn how to use my serger. My daughters all like nightgowns and they are so hard to find for girls these days but I found a really great pattern that includes both nightgowns and pyjamas. It goes up to size 16 as well so I’m hoping I can make some pyjamas for myself too!
Quilt! I have been thinking about quilting so much lately and have purchased a pattern that I really want to make. (This one - but not in those colours.) The goal is to make it with as much of the quilting fabric I already own. I will have to purchase more fabric because I don’t have enough for a full quilt but with Miss M, my mum, and I all working together (except apart since Mum is in Ontario) I’m hoping at the end of the year we will have completed a quilt. Miss M’s dream is to one day have something to submit to the Heritage Park Festival of Quilts.
Photo project. This is one I have been putting off for years. I really need to start making an album for my girls of all my childhood photos and then start printing off their baby photos and making albums for them.
And last but not least… write more! This also means post more to this newsletter. I have a couple recipes that I need to perfect and then write up as well so expect more content in the coming week. Giving up social media does not mean giving up writing but increasing the amount of writing I am doing.
Is anyone else giving up anything for Lent? If so tell me about it.
Did you celebrate Lunar New Year? Covid had inspired me to try and embrace holidays that would usually pass us by. Did you know that this Sunday is National Sticky Bun day? That sounds like another worth while celebration if you ask me!
I love the quilt!